May 18: When The Sky Is Falling

Hello, fellow Nubian queens. I usually don't do this, nor say this, but it has been a crap month. The second half of April through this very point has been challenging me greatly. I went from comfortable to uncomfortable; From happy to confused, and for me to become confused... it says a lot.

Quote of the day: Don't tell the God how big the storm is; tell the storm how big God is.

I never look down on situations, I always know what to do (even when I don't), I walk with such confidence and always believe for the best, but there's been so much coming at me at once. I guess this is a part of growing but... I don't like it.

I'm generally a happy, positive, person (with a lot of moments lol). But lately, I haven't been me. I've been putting on a smile

even though I feel stressed. I don't want to sound dramatic nor weak, because I am not that. I refuse to cry or show any other sign of weakness. Instead, I decided to write.

Writing helps me get my thoughts out and gives me the ability to develop the feelings I can't express. But to be honest, I don't know if I'm going to post this on the website. If I do it's because God leads me to, or I have a feeling that maybe I can help others who are with me on this.

Anyways I haven't explained the things that have been going on. I don't want to admit them because they're painful. Yet even in my weakest moment, I choose to believe that God is molding me. Yes, I've been through a lot all at once, but there has never been a time that I haven't walk out of a terrible situation even stronger.

So whats been happening? If you followed up on my last post, I had a very dramatic incident. I usually stay away from the drama at all cost, but people hate seeing others doing good. Anyways the drama has been haunting me. Leaving me to be in conflict with myself. I convinced myself that I should move on with my life, ignore it all completely. It worked for a while until everything randomly surfaced at the same time. I'm conflicted that I need to refrain from running, rather I should face it - her - head on. I tell myself I should just be the bigger person. I badly want to if it means I can regain my peace back, but recently I heard this person is not in the position to make any amends. Being a Nubian Queen I will not fight for anyone's entertainment. I am better, bigger, than all that. As females, we should get along, but society and competition prevent us from doing so. This is the type of insecurity I want to rid the world of. Where you can't think of yourself to be a competent woman that you need to bring others down with you, people like this should subscribe to my blog.

Another conflict I've been having was a scam. Thankfully that is over and resolved. But I suggest never using eBay to buy nor to sell. I did so for the very first time, and I truly regret it. Now that I have learned my lesson, maybe I'll take my marketing elsewhere. Once this site grows to an expected reach, I may reopen the store.If things weren't getting difficult enough, my dream school accepted me... without the financial aide. Long story, but paying over 31 thousand dollars for a single year, on your own, is a lot. But I am faithful that some new doors will open soon. I'm not worried, but I need a school replacement fast. I only applied to the dream school, and it's already May. This means that some schools aren't looking for new students. But, like I said, I am remaining hopeful in all this.

There have been many situations that want to bring me down. I took a very big test last week. I didn't finish a lot of questions. I was so frustrated that I wanted to break down into tears. Instead, I will remain hopeful. I wrote this blog, not for anybody's pity, but for my own benefit. I needed something to spread out my thoughts and everything going on. Lately has been so stressful and consuming. I don't know what to do except for lifting everything to God. He spoke to me and told me I should keep my strong faith because he is about to do something new in my life. I believe him.

I feel better after writing this. I'm sorry I didn't give as much motivational talks on what to do whenever you're in a crisis. And when I come out of these mixed emotions, I will do just that. Thank you, Queens, I love us for real.

Disclaimer: This has been a very 'casual' post. I thought and wrote as I went. But I'm still posting because this is a very real situation of mine, and some of the queens here maybe put in similar or stressful positions. You aren't the only one.

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